Burns Night

Burns night is coming up soon.. Here is my gift to you.... A modern twist on Tam O'Shanter.

As teenage neds ride on the bus

Wi’ ilka plukes across their puss

As Chelsea tractors sit and wait

Aboot the sonsie posh school gate

While noble men traipse hame fae toil

Wi clobber stained in engine oil

They ogle as they pass the nappy

But they’ve got tae keep their woman happy...

The workers pass a lonely hearse

As centuries turn, the roles reverse

Just like the honest gent inside

Man’s freedom’s on a one track ride

It’s time for maidens fair tae shine

Tae play the bingo, drink ilka wine

Get fou an roll back in at three

While the bairns sit on their faither’s knee

This truth fand honest Tam O’Toole

He’d picked his lad up fae the school

And took him hame tae watch the telly

While Kate went oot tae gaun get wellied

His boy was the apple o’ his eye

His joy his pride, for him he’d die

Tam wis right proud, his son his glory

But his mother, that’s a different story!!!

E’er since the wean had come along

The passion and the spark was gone

Her beauty faded every year

Unlike her e’er expanding rear

Tam ne’er got too many chances

Tae enjoy the thrill o’ Kate’s advances

When she was fou, she’d try it on

But by then Tam’s will was all but gone

So to our tale: A lonely night

Tam hame alone, the telly shite

Nae fitba’ on, no’ e’en darts

Just the smell of curry and wee Tam’s farts

His take away dish, stuffed in the bin

Kate could put a new bag in

If bingo’s where she wants to go

He’ll let the rubbish overflow

Then in the corner of his eye

A shinin’ sleek we toy he spied

The lid still open, light still on

Surely nothing could go wrong

Silence flowed around the hoose

Tam quickly glowered at the moose

Wee sleekit cowerin’ snazzy device

Keep well clear was Kate’s advice

But the internet’s a spider’s web

It grabs you at your lowest ebb

It drags you in wi’ muckle force

And for any pleasure provides a source

Tam gave the tim’rous mouse a shoogle

And before he’d even opened google

He felt a stirring in his loins

And his fingers wandered to his groin

Oh Tam, what pleasures await inside

The web will take you for a ride

Whate’er your secret heart desires

The web will light a thousand fires

Tam started off wi’ something light

Lesbians going out for the night

Walking past a random jogger

Chatting her up and trying to snog her

His heart was beating ilka fast

He didnae ken how long he’s last

So he minimised these ladies fair

His heart was set on something mair

His mind cast back to Halloween

His last one as a lonely teen

Invited to a student party

We lassies fair and ilka arty

A noble witch had caught his eye

And no matter how young Tam did try

He couldnae forget that cutty sark

As he wandered hame, long after dark

E’er since that night his heart was turned

And deep inside the passion burned

Not for lassies, fair and fine

But for girls wi’ evil oan their mind

And what better way to relive that pleasure

Than by browsing websites at his leisure

He quickly typed in Halloween

And was fair bowled o’er by what he’d seen

Girls dressed like de’ils, a sullen witch

They hardly even wore a stitch

Zombie sluts, the walking dead

All doing things that can’t be said

Tam coudnae stand it any mair

He dropped his troosers oan the flair

But in his haste tae bash and pound

He didnae hear a janglin’ sound

O’ Tam, you’re in some trouble deep

You really should be fast asleep

Instead you’re dreamin’ o’ lassies fair

As Kate comes wanderin’ up the stair

Through the hall to the living room door

She dropped her keys doon on the floor

She wandered in, switched on the light

And chanced upon a hideous sight

Luck wisnae on poor auld Tam’s side

The light on full, nae chance tae hide

The timing wisnae helpful too

As she wandered in, he fired his goo

He grabbed his loins with all his strength

But it wouldnae stay inside his length

He let it go and started squirtin’

All over Katie’s brand new curtains

Silence fell across the room

And Tam could sense impending doom

With Kate’s jaw still stuck to the floor

He bolted for the living room door

But Kate was closer and won the race

Her ample frame not leaving space

Tam had to stop and accept his fate

His chances weren’t looking great

His eyes looked up and met her stare

Would she be angry, would she care?

Tam got his answer fairly quick

As she gave his baws a muckle kick

Tam’ doubled o’er and near’ passed out

As Kate gave him a piercing shout

“Ya’ filthy shite, ya’ durty clart

Chuggin’ o’er a dirty tart

Stop cryin’ like a little lass

Or I’ll stick ma high heels up your arse

I can’t believe you ruined ma curtain

I hope your baws are really hurtin’”

But by no means was the violence finished

And as poor Tam’s tiny cock diminished

Shrivelled, yes, but not too small

For a well aimed handbag to the balls

As he lay there, bollocks almost deid

She cracked an ash tray o’er his heid

He slumped across the living room floor

So she jammed his fingers in the door

Then finally the coup de grace

She smashed his guitar across his face

She finally stormed off in the hump

Leavin’ poor Tams willy, scarce a stump

With the violence finally at an end

She left his poor old cock to mend

He thought it was over, he had no idea

That weekend, they were off to Ikea

“I want new curtain’s; guess who’s payin’”

Was Kate’s brand new favourite saying

“An ashtray too, and a brand new rug

The last one’s covered in your blood”

So whene’er to wank, you are inclined

And dirty thoughts run in your mind

Check she’s no’ comin’ up the stair

And remember Kate and poor Tam’s mare.

Edinburgh Outside the Fringe

The Fringe is wrapped up and everyone, except a few local enthusiasts like me, have disappeared and gone home.

Whilst I try to support live comedy all year round, a mixture of work and personal commitments and lack of cash prevent me from getting out as much as I like and seeing acts... and when I do, I tend to go to the cheaper new act gigs, partly because of the price, but also because I like to see up and coming acts and keep my finger on the pulse.

We all know that Kevin Bridges or Jimmy Carr will sell out the Playhouse or the Festival Theatre and The Stand will sell out at the weekend with the best acts all going there.

But outside of that, what is there for comedy enthusiasts in Edinburgh? Not a lot to be honest. It seems that most Edinburgers prefer to feast on comedy and culture during August and barely dip their toes in the rest of the year.

The Beehive Inn runs comedy three nights per week (Friday and Saturday plus a weekday new acts night) and a few comics occasionally run other nights in upstairs rooms of pubs, including a good monthly one at The Counting House. I've been to both the Beehive and the Counting House and audiences have been decidedly average. There are some good new acts competitions including the Laughing Horse (next up on 5th and 6th December) and the Scottish Comedian of the Year competition gets a lot of publicity too.

But all of the above doesn't exactly represent a lot of bums on seats and many of them will be visitors from outside Edinburgh (or friends and relatives of the acts in the case of the competitions).

So why is it that locals don't venture out to see live comedy during the rest of the year? Perhaps they don't think that they'll get the same quality? But in my experience, that worry is simply unfounded.

My friend Nik Coppin, (whom I've mentioned before on the blog) is coming to Edinburgh this weekend with his Shaggers Christmas Special tour. I spoke to him just before tickets went on sale he was slightly unsure about his decision to come to Edinburgh.

"I'm just not sure about Edinburgh outwith the Fringe" He said "We come here during the Festival and put on a show for free and that's fine because we're part of the Free Festival which means we are not forking out as much on expenses, but when you come to Edinburgh the rest of the year you've got a lot of costs to cover and you're not always confident you'll get it back".

But take a look at his show... It's at the same venue as during the Festival... The upstairs room at the Three Sisters so it's slap bang in the middle of town during party season. He's got a great line up including local favourite Bruce Fummey as well as Sameena Zehra, Paul Gannon and Janice Phayre. Tickets are only £10, reasonably priced for a Saturday night with all pros on the bill!

Yet he thinks he's going to have to flyer like mad just to get enough people to break even.

The lure of a sell out Fringe show seems to do the trick in other cities throughout UK, but not in Edinburgh itself it seems!

So here is my shameless plug... Get out and see Shaggers! Or if you can't make it, go and see some new acts during the week at the Comedy Competition at the Beehive! The only way for the comedy scene in Edinburgh to improve, is for people to get out and support it!

The Spank Experience

I knew before the Fringe even started that I was going to end the Festival with a trip to Spank as a mate had decided that was what he wanted to do for his birthday. Whilst it's not the sort of show I'd normally see, with it's reputation for good acts, late night lively banter and high price tag (£15.50) I had high hopes as I went along with around 15 of my friends.

My first of many disappointments came when I realised that the line up I'd seen on Twitter was for Spanktacular (the Saturday night only show that Underbelly also run at the big cow) and not Spank.

I asked the Underbelly folk on Twitter what the Spank line up was, they gave me the Spanktacular line up... and when I asked if they were the same show I never got a reply. (Subsequent research shows they are not - the big acts all go to Spanktacular on a Saturday).

The second disappointment was when I got into the room and realised that there were very few seats left even although we got in the queue 10 minutes before the start time.

The third disappointment was that the room was horrible. I knew the Underbelly was going to be a bit damp and cramped, but I didn't expect their flagship late show to be in a room with huge pillars in front of the stage and I didn't expect at least a dozen of the 165 seats on sale to be directly behind said pillars, forcing people to choose between a seat and a view of the stage. There was also no screen between the bar and performance area. What a terrible room for comedy!

The fourth disappointment of the night was the bar. The only spirits on sale... Sambuca, Tequila and Jager. But no vodka? So the girlfriend got a Smirnoff ice. The barman was kind enough to let me know it was warm only after he had charged me £12.20 (for that and two Buds) and after he had given me my change. "Is that OK mate" he said. With 20 other folk waiting to be served and staring at the back of my head I guess it had to be!

Disappointment number five was the banging techno from the room next door - something you expect when you go to a free show but not at a £15.50 Big Venue Flagship late show.

Disappointment number six was the acts, none of which were up to much or really got the crowd going. (A few had some OK material that could have worked better on another night). I was hoping for some big names but I hadn't heard of any of the acts that I saw.

Disappointment number seven was the number of people chatting (which you expect to a certain extent at a late show, but the two close to me were at it non-stop for 15 minutes).

Disappointment number eight was the staff members who stood right next to the door watching the comedy, rather than asking the two noisy birds to shut up (even although they were literally right next to them).

Disappointment number nine was the lack of toilet facilities anywhere near the performance area... To pee you had to head out, through the yard past all the smokers, into the bar, up a spiral staircase, through another bar and in...  By the time you get back it's a ten minute round trip and that's assuming you don't get caught in the midst of a show going in or out in which case it could be fifteen.

On the plus side, the comperes tried to get the crowd going, the music they played at the start was decent. One compere was Kate Smurfwaite who I'm a fan of (and that opinion hasn't changed - she didn't do anything wrong). I also like the idea of the "naked promo" which gives fringe performers the chance to plug their show as long as they get naked whilst doing it.

But the overall experience was horrible and it wasn't just me who felt this way. The decision to leave at the interval was unanimous amongst our group, so I never found out if anyone did the naked promo.

There has been a lot of talk about this Fringe being a vanguard for change, with some big acts not selling tickets, others getting ahead of the game and agreeing to do free shows and lots of people tuning on promoters, slating them for hoovering up all the profits.

I got some stick for telling people to support The Stand and the Free Festival at the start of the run from a performer at the one of the Big Four venues... Well, after experiencing this year's Fringe, and Spank in particular, I'll be doing the same again next year.

Had I taken my own advice and gone to The Stand, the only real comedy club in Edinburgh, I would have experienced none of the above issues. I would have known what I was going to see, (the Spank Facebook page still only has a list of acts for the 24th) and I would have experienced none of the logistical problems.

And let me say rather uncontroversially... The Free Festival would have put on at least as good a show! If not better.

I have sung the praises of Shaggers, run by my mate Nik Coppin many times, but I have to question why anyone would want to go to Spank over a Free Show like Shaggers, which is at least as good in terms of the acts on stage and far better in terms of the room and the atmosphere.

Yes you would still have 1-2 of the problems that I experienced at Spank - occasional drunks chatting at the back, some music from outside creeping in and the toilets in Three Sisters are among the worst, but when it comes to value for money, there is no contest! If you like it, chuck some money in the bucket! If you don't you can leave and at least you are still in the middle of one of the liveliest venues in Edinburgh!

In times of a recession, people will not be taken for mugs and I certainly won't be lining the pockets of Ed Bartlam again. Other people are starting to feel the same way, with more and more supporting the Free Festival.

I can't wait to see what next year will bring! With the creative but divisive Peter Buckley-Hill rumoured to be retiring, The Free Fringe and the Free Festival might even start to benefit each other again!

Whatever happens, I hope it's for the benefit of the performers and audience!

It's been fun... Just a shame that my Festival ended on a low point.

Spank gets zero stars from me!

Angela Barnes and Matt Richardson ***

I took a punt on this show, not realising that I had seen Matt Richardson before doing a 10 minute open spot at the Laughing Horse Pick of the Fringe.

He buddies up with his comedy friend Angela Barnes - giving them both 30 minutes to do an extended set - with a view to them doing an hour each at the Fringe next year (as they mentioned in their show).

Matt Richardson opened and got going with some great anecdotes - as a 21 year old it's pretty much what you'd expect - a fair bit of wanking material, stories about still living at home and not living up to Dad's expectations - nothing new in the subject matter, but all very well delivered and well received by the audience.

Where I think Richardson really excels is in his crowd banter. A large chunk of the show was devoted to this and he managed each interaction well... even when he mistook a 15 year old girl and her father as a married couple, he managed to keep the audience on side. A lot of his material also relies on stories about interactions at previous shows, all of which gets a good response.

Matt Richardson definitely has all the ingredients needed to do a successful hour and more importantly he's young enough to be able to improve even more. Definitely one to watch for the future.

After 30 minutes it was time to hand over to Angela Barnes, who let's be fair to her, had a hard act to follow.


She managed well for the first fifteen minutes with some good gags and some self depreciating humour about being single that wasn't uncomfortable like it can be (her alternative take on the walk of shame is well worth remembering).

Towards the end though, she let herself down by the number of times she checked her watch (something Matt Richardson also wants to cut down on a bit) and also by constantly going to grab the mic stand as if to put the mic back and finish the set.... before continuing for another 30 seconds then checking the watch again, then fidgeting with the mic stand one more time.

I'm maybe being a little unfair on her, as at the start of the show she mentioned she was ill and also "off her tits" on tramadol due to a slipped disk, so you can understand her wanting to finish, but for me, the slow gradual finish with the unconscious "I want to get off here" body language instead of a build up to a great finale, was the difference between three and four stars.

Having said that, even with lurgy/back pain/drugs she was still a good solid act and if she can sort out her back pain and anxiousness about running over then I have no doubt she will be able to turn a good set into a great one.

This show is certainly worth seeing and I'm looking forward to seeing more of Matt Richardson in particular in the future.

Info here.

Revill's Selection ****

I've met Paul Revill a few times this Fringe and seen him do a spot at Shaggers so I knew he was going to be a decent host and compere.

The idea of the show is that he books three different acts with two experienced comics joining him, and an open spot sandwiched in between.

My main worry going in was that a lunch time show in the Kasbar was that it would be difficult to get the crowd going at that time of the day. (It's not the worst room at the Fringe, but the bar which cuts a wedge into the space where the audience would be doesn't help - neither does the bar man who has been known to turn on the glass washer during the acts).

I needn't have worried.

Paul did a great job, doing some decent material and gradually warming up the room with some fun audience interaction. But a compilation show needs some decent acts and Jason Patterson was a great start to proceedings!

Despite arriving about a minute before he was due to go on stage, he was loud and lively from the first minute
"I'm missing the Hollyoaks omnibus for this so forget about me being funny! You guys better be good!!" he proclaimed to the audience... and he managed to keep up his energy high and got a great response from the crowd for the full set.

Next up was an open spot whose name I can't remember. He just did 7-8 minutes and his material was OK but he didn't set the crowd on fire. A bit too quiet and not enough energy.

The crowd was soon warmed up again by Mr Revill before the headline act Nish Kumar came on and he definitely deserved his spot as the headliner! He had 10-15 minutes of great material. Being a British Asian comic, there were a few ethnic jokes (which can get a bit samey sometimes) but his were original and funny and his set passed by too quickly. He's very polished and pleasant and I'd like to see more of him.

All in all a great way to start your day at the Fringe!

Show info here.

Jason Patterson's show

Nish Kumar's show

Tips to Make the Perfect Fringe Show

Aside from the obvious talent that's necessary from the performers, there are quite a few things that acts and audiences can do to get the most from their Fringe experience!

I've been to a wide selection of venues this year, so I feel like I'm in a good position to discuss the merits of not just the acts but also the other factors that contribute to a good show.

I went to see Jason Byrne last Saturday evening after being offered a spare ticket (nothing against him but he's not the sort of act I would normally pick) and if I was reviewing shows in chronological order (which I have been doing so far) then his show would be the next one up for a review. However, I'm not in a hurry to post one - mainly because unlike the other acts I've spoken about, he's already a massive name and most people will have already seen him on TV if not live and already formed an opinion on him (the type of act I try and avoid during the Fringe).

The reason I'm bringing him up is because I had a fairly average seat towards the back of the auditorium in the Edinburgh International Conference Centre (EICC - the place where all over exposed comics go to sell out their tickets and prepare for their up coming appearance on Live at the Apollo) and I felt that I had a 3* experience at a 5* comics show.

The seats are unreserved so quite simply, if you are not near the front of the queue, you are not going to be close to the stage.

Aside from the fact that he was performing in a great big cavern instead of an intimate comedy club, and aside from the fact that his material was, dare I say it, slightly hack; Fifty Shades of Grey, Scottish Accents, having an itchy arse etc... It was a great performance by a very experienced pro who deserves all the success he has received.

But being used to smaller rooms, I couldn't help feeling that if I'd paid for the ticket (which I think was about £20), I'd feel a little short changed ending up about 30 rows back.

A comedy venue needs to be small or medium sized, dark, quiet (with a bar far away enough from the performance area) with the crowd close to the stage. Less experienced comedy fans might go to a big venue, pay a lot of money to see an act on TV and not understand why they have not enjoyed the show as much as all the people who walk past them on the way out raving about it. The atmosphere is all at the front and you should not let the fear of getting picked on spoil your enjoyment!

The next thing that has a big effect on the success of the show is the time it's on. I mentioned this in my review of Bob and Jim - explaining that the type of show it was, really wasn't suited to a lunch time slot.

It's only in Edinburgh (and at a handful of other Comedy Festivals throughout the world) that shows start before 5pm. At 12.30pm, in front of a sober audience, the show needs a very high energy act to get the audience engaged and on side.

Today I saw an excellent example of two acts who managed to raise the tempo of a room which could have  easily have been lost - by being loud, fact paced and most importantly funny. (They were Jason Patterson and Nish Kumar and they'll appear again here shortly). A new act didn't do quite as well because he didn't have the confidence of the other acts and he didn't speak loudly and clearly and keep the tempo high! (I won't mention his name because I'm not in the business of trashing open spots who have the potential to get a lot better).

Lots of acts make this mistake and not just the inexperienced ones!

The next thing you need to do is tailor your act to the audience. I have a mate who is starting out doing open spots and he's a very good act, but he is a bit of a storyteller who builds up to a finale. There's nothing wrong with that, but when he did a gong show for the first time, he only did one punch line in the first three minutes and got gonged off.... and then blamed the audience on Facebook. I wasn't at the show but told him that there is no such thing as a bad audience, just an unsuitable act for that particular venue/performance. In a gong show you need a high JPM (jokes per minute), you can't spend four out of five minutes setting up your big finale.

I once saw a very good comedian who was performing in front of 8 people (he's doing better nowadays) and a big chunk of his act was all about 1980's kids TV nostalgia. With only 8 people in the crowd he had done a bit of audience banter and established that the family of four from England were either two old or two young to have seen any 80's kids TV and the three other people in the crowd grew up in South Africa/Australia. So essentially, his excellent Bungle and Zippy impersonation was only appreciated by me! (I don't think the other people put much cash in his bucket that day).

Acts coming to Edinburgh need to realise that the crowds are very cosmopolitan and you are likely to have lots of Aussies, Kiwi's Africans, Americans, English, Irish and also Europeans with a good grasp of English (many of whom use watching comedy as a way to improve their English and understand the sense of humour of other cultures).

Nostalgia and many other very British types of comedy will work well on the comedy circuit 11 months of the year, but you could find yourself unexpectedly dying on your arse if you try it at 2pm in front of a bunch of foreigners! You need some very generic material to fall back on if you are going to include it in your show.

The Trap's Bad Musical ****

I have a history of enjoying "The Trap's" series of plays after watching Bad Play 1, 2 and 3 when they were up a few years ago. Now after a 7 year absence (they've since all had kids etc) they are back with Bad Musical.

The Trap spoof bad theatre, which is more difficult than you think! In order to get it right they have to deliberately get it wrong and The Trap do it with style!

From the beginning, everything goes gloriously wrong as the actors constantly confuse Edinburgh and London (in an attempt to wind up half the audience) the sound man gets his cues wrong and there's general mayhem as the actors mix up their lines and the props all fall apart.

There's not really much else I can say about the play without divulging the storyline but this is tremendous stuff. Although the actors are spoofing bad theatre, make no mistake, this is spoof comedy theatre at it's best and their timing is perfect!

 If you've not seen them before then Bad Musical is well worth a watch!

Show info here.