Saturday, 12 January 2013

Burns Night

Burns night is coming up soon.. Here is my gift to you.... A modern twist on Tam O'Shanter.

As teenage neds ride on the bus
Wi’ ilka plukes across their puss
As Chelsea tractors sit and wait
Aboot the sonsie posh school gate
While noble men traipse hame fae toil
Wi clobber stained in engine oil
They ogle as they pass the nappy
But they’ve got tae keep their woman happy...

The workers pass a lonely hearse
As centuries turn, the roles reverse
Just like the honest gent inside
Man’s freedom’s on a one track ride
It’s time for maidens fair tae shine
Tae play the bingo, drink ilka wine
Get fou an roll back in at three
While the bairns sit on their faither’s knee

This truth fand honest Tam O’Toole
He’d picked his lad up fae the school
And took him hame tae watch the telly
While Kate went oot tae gaun get wellied
His boy was the apple o’ his eye
His joy his pride, for him he’d die
Tam wis right proud, his son his glory
But his mother, that’s a different story!!!
E’er since the wean had come along
The passion and the spark was gone
Her beauty faded every year
Unlike her e’er expanding rear
Tam ne’er got too many chances
Tae enjoy the thrill o’ Kate’s advances
When she was fou, she’d try it on
But by then Tam’s will was all but gone

So to our tale: A lonely night
Tam hame alone, the telly shite
Nae fitba’ on, no’ e’en darts
Just the smell of curry and wee Tam’s farts
His take away dish, stuffed in the bin
Kate could put a new bag in
If bingo’s where she wants to go
He’ll let the rubbish overflow

Then in the corner of his eye
A shinin’ sleek we toy he spied
The lid still open, light still on
Surely nothing could go wrong

Silence flowed around the hoose
Tam quickly glowered at the moose
Wee sleekit cowerin’ snazzy device
Keep well clear was Kate’s advice
But the internet’s a spider’s web
It grabs you at your lowest ebb
It drags you in wi’ muckle force
And for any pleasure provides a source
Tam gave the tim’rous mouse a shoogle
And before he’d even opened google
He felt a stirring in his loins
And his fingers wandered to his groin

Oh Tam, what pleasures await inside
The web will take you for a ride
Whate’er your secret heart desires
The web will light a thousand fires

Tam started off wi’ something light
Lesbians going out for the night
Walking past a random jogger
Chatting her up and trying to snog her
His heart was beating ilka fast
He didnae ken how long he’s last
So he minimised these ladies fair
His heart was set on something mair

His mind cast back to Halloween
His last one as a lonely teen
Invited to a student party
We lassies fair and ilka arty
A noble witch had caught his eye
And no matter how young Tam did try
He couldnae forget that cutty sark
As he wandered hame, long after dark

E’er since that night his heart was turned
And deep inside the passion burned
Not for lassies, fair and fine
But for girls wi’ evil oan their mind
And what better way to relive that pleasure
Than by browsing websites at his leisure
He quickly typed in Halloween
And was fair bowled o’er by what he’d seen
Girls dressed like de’ils, a sullen witch
They hardly even wore a stitch
Zombie sluts, the walking dead
All doing things that can’t be said
Tam coudnae stand it any mair
He dropped his troosers oan the flair
But in his haste tae bash and pound
He didnae hear a janglin’ sound

O’ Tam, you’re in some trouble deep
You really should be fast asleep
Instead you’re dreamin’ o’ lassies fair
As Kate comes wanderin’ up the stair
Through the hall to the living room door
She dropped her keys doon on the floor
She wandered in, switched on the light
And chanced upon a hideous sight

Luck wisnae on poor auld Tam’s side
The light on full, nae chance tae hide
The timing wisnae helpful too
As she wandered in, he fired his goo
He grabbed his loins with all his strength
But it wouldnae stay inside his length
He let it go and started squirtin’
All over Katie’s brand new curtains

Silence fell across the room
And Tam could sense impending doom
With Kate’s jaw still stuck to the floor
He bolted for the living room door
But Kate was closer and won the race
Her ample frame not leaving space
Tam had to stop and accept his fate
His chances weren’t looking great

His eyes looked up and met her stare
Would she be angry, would she care?
Tam got his answer fairly quick
As she gave his baws a muckle kick

Tam’ doubled o’er and near’ passed out
As Kate gave him a piercing shout
“Ya’ filthy shite, ya’ durty clart
Chuggin’ o’er a dirty tart
Stop cryin’ like a little lass
Or I’ll stick ma high heels up your arse
I can’t believe you ruined ma curtain
I hope your baws are really hurtin’”

But by no means was the violence finished
And as poor Tam’s tiny cock diminished
Shrivelled, yes, but not too small
For a well aimed handbag to the balls
As he lay there, bollocks almost deid
She cracked an ash tray o’er his heid
He slumped across the living room floor
So she jammed his fingers in the door
Then finally the coup de grace
She smashed his guitar across his face
She finally stormed off in the hump
Leavin’ poor Tams willy, scarce a stump

With the violence finally at an end
She left his poor old cock to mend
He thought it was over, he had no idea
That weekend, they were off to Ikea
“I want new curtain’s; guess who’s payin’”
Was Kate’s brand new favourite saying
“An ashtray too, and a brand new rug
The last one’s covered in your blood”

So whene’er to wank, you are inclined
And dirty thoughts run in your mind
Check she’s no’ comin’ up the stair
And remember Kate and poor Tam’s mare.