Burns Night

Burns night is coming up soon.. Here is my gift to you.... A modern twist on Tam O'Shanter.

As teenage neds ride on the bus

Wi’ ilka plukes across their puss

As Chelsea tractors sit and wait

Aboot the sonsie posh school gate

While noble men traipse hame fae toil

Wi clobber stained in engine oil

They ogle as they pass the nappy

But they’ve got tae keep their woman happy...

The workers pass a lonely hearse

As centuries turn, the roles reverse

Just like the honest gent inside

Man’s freedom’s on a one track ride

It’s time for maidens fair tae shine

Tae play the bingo, drink ilka wine

Get fou an roll back in at three

While the bairns sit on their faither’s knee

This truth fand honest Tam O’Toole

He’d picked his lad up fae the school

And took him hame tae watch the telly

While Kate went oot tae gaun get wellied

His boy was the apple o’ his eye

His joy his pride, for him he’d die

Tam wis right proud, his son his glory

But his mother, that’s a different story!!!

E’er since the wean had come along

The passion and the spark was gone

Her beauty faded every year

Unlike her e’er expanding rear

Tam ne’er got too many chances

Tae enjoy the thrill o’ Kate’s advances

When she was fou, she’d try it on

But by then Tam’s will was all but gone

So to our tale: A lonely night

Tam hame alone, the telly shite

Nae fitba’ on, no’ e’en darts

Just the smell of curry and wee Tam’s farts

His take away dish, stuffed in the bin

Kate could put a new bag in

If bingo’s where she wants to go

He’ll let the rubbish overflow

Then in the corner of his eye

A shinin’ sleek we toy he spied

The lid still open, light still on

Surely nothing could go wrong

Silence flowed around the hoose

Tam quickly glowered at the moose

Wee sleekit cowerin’ snazzy device

Keep well clear was Kate’s advice

But the internet’s a spider’s web

It grabs you at your lowest ebb

It drags you in wi’ muckle force

And for any pleasure provides a source

Tam gave the tim’rous mouse a shoogle

And before he’d even opened google

He felt a stirring in his loins

And his fingers wandered to his groin

Oh Tam, what pleasures await inside

The web will take you for a ride

Whate’er your secret heart desires

The web will light a thousand fires

Tam started off wi’ something light

Lesbians going out for the night

Walking past a random jogger

Chatting her up and trying to snog her

His heart was beating ilka fast

He didnae ken how long he’s last

So he minimised these ladies fair

His heart was set on something mair

His mind cast back to Halloween

His last one as a lonely teen

Invited to a student party

We lassies fair and ilka arty

A noble witch had caught his eye

And no matter how young Tam did try

He couldnae forget that cutty sark

As he wandered hame, long after dark

E’er since that night his heart was turned

And deep inside the passion burned

Not for lassies, fair and fine

But for girls wi’ evil oan their mind

And what better way to relive that pleasure

Than by browsing websites at his leisure

He quickly typed in Halloween

And was fair bowled o’er by what he’d seen

Girls dressed like de’ils, a sullen witch

They hardly even wore a stitch

Zombie sluts, the walking dead

All doing things that can’t be said

Tam coudnae stand it any mair

He dropped his troosers oan the flair

But in his haste tae bash and pound

He didnae hear a janglin’ sound

O’ Tam, you’re in some trouble deep

You really should be fast asleep

Instead you’re dreamin’ o’ lassies fair

As Kate comes wanderin’ up the stair

Through the hall to the living room door

She dropped her keys doon on the floor

She wandered in, switched on the light

And chanced upon a hideous sight

Luck wisnae on poor auld Tam’s side

The light on full, nae chance tae hide

The timing wisnae helpful too

As she wandered in, he fired his goo

He grabbed his loins with all his strength

But it wouldnae stay inside his length

He let it go and started squirtin’

All over Katie’s brand new curtains

Silence fell across the room

And Tam could sense impending doom

With Kate’s jaw still stuck to the floor

He bolted for the living room door

But Kate was closer and won the race

Her ample frame not leaving space

Tam had to stop and accept his fate

His chances weren’t looking great

His eyes looked up and met her stare

Would she be angry, would she care?

Tam got his answer fairly quick

As she gave his baws a muckle kick

Tam’ doubled o’er and near’ passed out

As Kate gave him a piercing shout

“Ya’ filthy shite, ya’ durty clart

Chuggin’ o’er a dirty tart

Stop cryin’ like a little lass

Or I’ll stick ma high heels up your arse

I can’t believe you ruined ma curtain

I hope your baws are really hurtin’”

But by no means was the violence finished

And as poor Tam’s tiny cock diminished

Shrivelled, yes, but not too small

For a well aimed handbag to the balls

As he lay there, bollocks almost deid

She cracked an ash tray o’er his heid

He slumped across the living room floor

So she jammed his fingers in the door

Then finally the coup de grace

She smashed his guitar across his face

She finally stormed off in the hump

Leavin’ poor Tams willy, scarce a stump

With the violence finally at an end

She left his poor old cock to mend

He thought it was over, he had no idea

That weekend, they were off to Ikea

“I want new curtain’s; guess who’s payin’”

Was Kate’s brand new favourite saying

“An ashtray too, and a brand new rug

The last one’s covered in your blood”

So whene’er to wank, you are inclined

And dirty thoughts run in your mind

Check she’s no’ comin’ up the stair

And remember Kate and poor Tam’s mare.